So I woke up a little later than I wanted to this morning (but no biggie, I don't have class til tonight, just thought I'd get a head-start on the day).
I go to the bathroom, as per yoozh.  (Really now, how are you supposed to spell the shortened version of "usual!")
Then I get the kitties their food.
And finally I sit down at my computer to turn on some music.

Now, most recently, I've simply been listening to one playlist that has all my current favorites on it.  But for some reason, I felt like switching it up today.  The idea of Jack Johnson popped into my head, and then I started singing one of his songs in my head and thinking to myself, "Hell yeah, this will be really good music for the mood I'm in today."

I double-click on Jack Johnson, with my settings already on shuffle, and guess what pops up?  The same exact song I was singing in my head.

I don't know why this is so bizarre to me...it just is.  How did iTunes know!?  Haha, love it...

I had a revelation yesterday (I've been having a lot of these lately...)

I was talking to my teacher/advisor and she asked me if I was staying in St. Louis when I graduate.  I told her I thought I was just because it was going to be easier.  She then encouraged me to maybe think about moving, for a fresh change of pace.  And for somewhere that'll be a better fit for me.  And then I got to thinking...

Why should I stay here because it's easy?  I had never really thought about doing anything BUT staying here.  I'd toyed with the idea of moving back to Fort Collins, but never anywhere else.  And I don't know why.  She had asked me where I really WANTED to live, and I told her I'd always been interested in Portland and Seattle.  She got really excited and told me she thought that would be great.

So I'm pretty much determined, at this point, to make this happen.  I know I have a lot of friends here...but that's pretty much the only thing keeping me, and I don't really feel like that's a good enough reason.  I can make friends any where...  So I've been doing some research on Portland and surrounding areas, and I think it would be a really good fit for me!  Plus, my little brother might potentially go to Humboldt State Univ. in northern California, so I'd be moderately close to him, which would be awesome.

I have a goal of getting my portfolio done by the end of Spring Break, which I think is definitely possible if I put my mind to it.
I have the help of Marcus, and we're going to make a website with my work so that I can more easily market to employers afar.  (Can you believe it?  sarahblessing.com wasn't taken!  So we're holding the URL until I have time to work on it more, right now it just forwards to my Facebook page.)
I am in the motions of trying to get a job and some more experience in the industry.
And I am dead-set on moving by mid-Summer.

I think I need this change of pace.  St. Louis isn't where I want to spend the rest of my life.  And graduating college is prime time for moving somewhere new and starting a new chapter.  I'm tired of all the same shit here...I know the city fairly well and there's nothing that exciting about it to me any more.  The demographic of people isn't necessarily ideal for me, and I think I'd be much happier somewhere else.  So I'm going to do it.  I think this will be good.

And hey, if it's not?  I can always try something else...or move home for a little bit or something.  I'll be fine.  :]

i HAD A REVELATION TODAY.  And it wasn't that Doug turned on my capslock when I was drunk on wine, typing a LJ entry, and not looking.

But...here it is:

Obligation is the source of my resentment.

I don't know what it is...but if I feel like I HAVE to do something, I don't want to do it.  I need to do it on my own terms.  I hate that I feel like I "have to do" certain things.  If I want to do it, I'll do it myself.  I don't need anyone pressuring me.  Or even past that.  I don't need the feeling that I am pressured to do something, based on what anyone's reaction will be.

And perhaps that's why I can't commit to anything.  Or not even that.  GAH!  I don't know where my head is.  I need to find it and figure shit out, but it's off in a world of it's own, and has been for the past few days. 

Why can't life be easy?

It just can't.  I wish I was able to analyze my thoughts and come to legitimate conclusions.  But no.  I come up with tons of different conclusions, none of which make much sense.  I need to know what I want.  And know where my life is going.  But I don't.  I just don't.  And I won't, not until I graduate and figure out how my life is going to be for awhile.  I'm in a limbo that I'm not able to bend over far enough for.  I hate it.  I hate me.  I need stability and I feel like 3 months off is too far...

Oh man.  I got so much accomplished today it's not even funny.  I was at school for 13 hours, so I would hope that would be the case, and it is.

I worked a lot on my Programming packet that's due in a week.  I'm trying to knock it out so that I can have fun on my birthday and not have to worry about it.  I've been procrastinating a lot, but I think today made up for it.  I don't understand how some of the people in my class can sit up there every day and work on this shit for hours, and still not be done?  Because I've had my share of fun-days where I don't do anything, and I don't feel like some of them have.  But I feel like I'm almost done with this part of the project and I did the large majority of it all in one day.

ALSO

I haven't really touched my Portfolio yet this semester.  I have to compile all my work from college into one package to show future employers.  And some of my classmates have been working on it since the day school started.  I've been putting it off because I don't really know the computer program we have to use for it.  So I've avoided working on it or thinking about it.  But just tonight, I sat down, opened the program, started playing around and figured out what I needed to do, and just plugged away.  And I essentially caught up with almost everyone in my class in one night.  I have a rough draft of my portfolio and my teacher even edited it...all in 2.5 short hours.  (We, as a class, looked at one girl's to see her progress...and she had put 20+ hours into it.  I'm now at the same point after 2.5...)

Moral of the story.  I kicked today's ass.

And I have a new-found love for Doug, the British Shorthair.

Oh, and I got to pick the first "Mood" off the list.  Awesome.

Today is going to be a good day.  It has to be.

1.) I am refreshed after having a snow day yesterday...which I spent by cleaning my apartment, going to Starbucks with Christine, IMing a lot, playing in the snow with Ryan, and finishing Dexter: Season One.
2.) I was supposed to work this morning and called in (partly due to homework, partly due to not wanting to drive there in the snow, only to make no money and get cut early because no one goes to Forest Park when there's snow on the ground).
3.) I set my alarms for 7:40ish (to get first dibs on not having to go to work) and ACTUALLY woke up on the FIRST one!  WTF, mate.
4.) My shower remained semi-hot the entire time, for once.
5.) I'm wearing my dino-shirt and my favorite hoodie.
6.) I have a new coffee-maker (thanks to Ryan) and made tea (as I have no coffee or cream).
7.) I'm currently boiling some noodles to eat a brunch of pasta and marinara sauce.
8.) It's bright and sunny out.
9.) I ACTUALLY feel like I can accomplish a lot today, which is a rare feeling.
10.) I've been listening to a playlist of all my absolute favorite bands on shuffle and haven't heard a bad song yet.

Annnnd...I think that's it.  Haha! 

I'm trying to not let myself get too stressed out by school.  I usually am really good about it, but this Capstone project is kicking my ass.  It's a lot more daunting than I had expected.  There's so much to think about and I have to keep reminding myself to think of the bigger picture, to have fun, and to express my style.  That's all I need to do...  

My problem is that I keep comparing myself to my classmates.  And I have to stop that!  My style, my goals in life, and my passions vary from theirs so drastically that my work SHOULDN'T look like theirs.  I keep pressuring myself to fit in, when I really should stand out.  I don't WANT to be an Interior Designer.  So my work shouldn't reflect that I really love and enjoy Interior Design.  I need to make my project different.  I need it to reflect my hand-drawing abilities, my craftsmanship, and my interest in model-building and landscape design. 

I also need to do whatever the hell it takes to be excited about this project.  If I can't do even that much, this entire semester is going to be a complete waste, and unenjoyable on top of that.

Today has kind of inspired me, though.  I'm ready to grab this bull by the horns and ride it til the cows come home.  (I'm pretty sure I just mixed two cliche sayings into one.  Don't judge me, monkey.)

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year. Sometime.
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be crochet, decopage, wood burning, painted.. could be whatever!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange/wild/different.
- I might randomly ask for measurements that have NOTHING to do with it just to throw you off track
- I'll accept some ideas on what you might need, but no specific requests!

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well. We all can make stuff!

I had a thought...

And I think it would be an excellent prank to play on someone, to switch their Clue pieces with their Monopoly pieces when they aren't looking. So that the next time they play, it's Colonel Sanders in the billiard room with the THIMBLE! And in Monopoly, everyone is fighting over who gets to be the lead pipe. No? I thought it was funny...

At any rate - much self-discovery has been happening this last week. It's amazing what one situation can bring to the surface. And to think that it was a random house-party out in Wentzville that did it for me... Haha! It's good though. It needed to happen, for me and everyone involved. It's about life. It's about growing, and learning, and experiencing. Not about staying in one place or space for the rest of your life. But letting your experiences and encounters help shape you and mold you into something new.

Right now, I feel like a caterpillar that just escaped from her cocoon, and I'm still learning how to fly. I'm free, and out there - but I just don't know quite what to do with myself yet. (Jennifer, queen of metaphors, I thought you'd like that one! Almost as much as I liked your fish in a fishbowl one from years ago...)

My life in May will be radically different than it is now. I'm just trying to prepare myself and get ready for that change. Doing everything I can NOW to make myself the best person I can be in 4 months. : ]